Security in Marriage

Monday nights this fall we are leading a study at our house based on “I Promise” by Dr. Gary Smalley. I wanted to share with you some thoughts from the first session:

Security may be the most important aspect of your relationship. It is the freedom to truly open up and to be known at a deep, intimate level without fear of being blamed, criticized, judged, condemned, or perhaps worst of all, deemed unacceptable.

Security is not something that will just naturally be there in your relationship; it requires you to be intentional about creating safety for your spouse…starting with an action by you! Don’t wait for you spouse to start creating a safe environment for you; you need to take action. You may be surprised at how quickly your actions will be reciprocated by your spouse.

So where do you start? It’s all about honor and commitment. First you have to honor your spouse. Love and value them, just as God loves and values them. Then you have to be totally committed to the person you have already promised to spend the rest of your life with. Let that commitment sink so deep into your heart that there is no way it will ever be dislodged.

Maybe that all sounds great to you, but you’re still unsure about where to start. Remember, the big stuff doesn’t matter as much as the small, everyday stuff. The majority of marriage breakdowns don’t occur over one large event, they are a process of all the small things adding up. A great marriage, in the same way, is not about the big events but rather the accumulation of all the small ones. You don’t have to go out and spend a lot of money or plan an extravagant date to create security for your spouse. Maybe all you need to do is pick up a rose on the way home, open up and talk with your spouse, or greet him or her with a smile and a kiss when they get home.

Try asking these questions to your spouse to give you an idea of where you might need to start:

When do you feel the most insecure in our marriage?

When do you feel the most secure in our marriage?

This will give you an idea of what you need to do more of, and what you should be doing less of for the sake of your marriage.

What do you do to create security for your spouse?